FUCK
Now I figured it out. FOR FUCK SAKES DEAR JESUS CHRIST OMG LOLLORZ
My sound card drivers have the option to choose between 96 and 48 KHz output. The 48 was chosen when it was supposed to be 96. Now everything works fine FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I'VE BEEN WONDERING WHAT'S WRONG FOR NEARLY A MONTH NOW.
I suck. The end.
I'm really sorry that I bothered you guys. I never thought it could've been something THIS simple!
Thanks again for being so helpful. I appriciate your concern, buds!
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